Despite decades of activism, women are still burdened with the effects of slut shaming in everyday life. Dr Hilary Caldwell’s new book, Slutdom, argues or women’s enjoyment of sex as a force to advance gender equality. BroadAgenda editor Ginger Gorman had a chat with Hilary.
For those in Canberra, you can see Hilary speaking live about her book on Friday, August 23. Details here.
In a nutshell, what is your book about?
Sex! Slutdom is a celebration of the importance of sex to individuals and to society, while showing that sexual scripts create unfair gender roles, which in turn cause gender-based violence and ultimately prevent gender equality.
Before we go further, tell us about your background.
I started sex work twenty-one years ago when I was a single mother of four and working part-time as a nurse while paying for childcare on rotating shifts. I could make more money as a sex worker, and it allowed me to have more control over my time so I could parent my girls. As the children grew and my physical workload at home eased, I began to study sex.
Like the sex work, I enjoyed it and just couldn’t stop! I completed a Master of Health Science (Sexual Health) and together with previous counselling qualifications, I set up a side hustle as a sexologist so I could transition out of nursing. Over time, I started researching clients of sex workers and did a Master of Applied Science with a focus on male clients, and then later a PhD about women clients.
I am a kinky, queer doctor and a sex worker, mother and grandmother.
Dr Hilary Caldwell getting her PhD. Picture: Supplied
Why do you like sex work? How hard was it to come out to the world – and to your kids – as a sex worker? (Did this influence you writing the book?)
I kept my sex work a secret for over twenty years to protect my family. I knew that stigma about sex would negatively affect them, their relationships and perhaps their careers. At the same time, helping people have better sex as a sexologist caused cognitive dissonance – my growing knowledge of the beneficence of sex work to individuals and society was also something I was proud of.
Keeping the secret cost me more than emotional pain. I also experienced the discrimination all sex workers face because of the way society treats us. My interactions with the basic systems that most people take for granted in Australia – health, banking, insurance, justice and policing – were compromised because my profession wasn’t recognised as legitimate. For example, I was refused EFTPOS services for my sexology business, affecting my reputation and career, due to ‘possible ties to human trafficking’.
As my children became young women themselves, I finally realised that the unique perspective I had from living the madonna/whore dichotomy could benefit them, and all women. Coming out in the book has been hard but empowering. I think my struggle reflects how challenging it is for any woman to reject a lifetime of social conditioning that tells us that sluts – women who dare to be sexual – are bad.
Ultimately, what I want my readers to understand is that being sexual is not something we should be ashamed of or judged for – we should be liberated by it. Sex is good for us, and we should all have equal access to erotic, de-stressing, empathy-inducing sexercise. Sexual equality is a human rights issue.
Hear Hilary speak about her book live via Libraries ACT on 23 Aug 2024 from 6:00pm to 7:00pm. Book tickets here.
The title of your book is deliberately provocative. You are fighting to reclaim the word “slut.” Why?
I use my story to ‘call out’ the way women who enjoy sex – labelled as ‘sluts’ or ‘whores’ – are treated, and to show how this kind of sexual shaming harms everyone. Slutdom includes the stories of fifty women I interviewed for my PhD and I have used their voices to ‘call in’ people who have not yet noticed the way that slut-shaming has affected them, or those who don’t yet have the capacity to stand up to slut-shaming.
Because what I found, was that when women feel sexually empowered, they fight back against gendered stereotypes and change the way they live their lives. While the words ‘whore’ and ‘slut’ have any negative connotations, women will be shamed sexually, maintaining a gender imbalance.
How do you see sex and its relationship with gender equality?
Unexamined sexual inequality prevents gender equality. Social conditioning gives men permission to acknowledge, develop and enjoy their sexual desires but this is not the case for women. Current statistics suggest that Australian men report masturbating two to three times more often than women. According to a 2017 US study, men enjoyed forty-six per cent more orgasms than women.
My background as a nurse and sexologist has taught me that there is nothing in our biology to explain these findings, and everything to do with our cultural constructions about gendered sexual roles. Interestingly, the statistics also suggest that twenty-five per cent of women are not interested in sex compared with eight per cent of men.
What I have learned is that sexuality is experienced in our bodies on a primal level, but our behaviour is controlled culturally. Would more women experience all the benefits of feeling powerful in their bodies, if they truly interrogated the effect that shame-based sexual narratives have on their lives?
The cover image of Hilary’s book “Slutdom.” Picture: Supplied
Your book barracks for women’s sexual empowerment and posits this as a mechanism to change their entire lives. Can you unpick this for me?
Feeling uninhibited joy in our bodies as a result of sexual thrills can serve as a rebellion against generations of conditioning that tries to tell us that a woman’s sexual experience is bad, dangerous, dirty and wrong. Pride in sexual experience brings empowerment – and not just in the bedroom. I’ve already had feedback from readers who have told me that after reading Slutdom, they stood up to their boss about workplace harassment issues or initiated a new relationship with someone.
‘You walk in a different way when you feel sexually powerful. You work in a different way. You approach your friendships in a different way,’ said Charlotte in Slutdom. I imagine a slutopia where no woman is controlled by slut-shaming narratives.
Increasingly the pornography industry is being questioned for promoting and enabling violence against women and children. How do you see this powerful industry fitting into the picture when it comes to women and sex?
Porn is any depiction of visual sexualised material. Some is perceived as violent without any nuance or understanding of performers preferences, but the real problem starts with gender stereotyping when we are young. The way in which ‘romance’ and ‘love’ are portrayed in popular culture – think Disney-style fairytales and romantic comedies – reinforce destructive gender stereotypes where men chase women who submit with dubious consent.
If women’s sexuality was taught to subsequent generations as powerful, with women taking the lead, calling the shots, scoring the scores, hitting the home runs; and if men’s sexuality was considered passive, overly complex and mysterious, and only available in strict ‘love’ scenarios, then porn would look very different indeed. Strict codes of sexual behaviour, divided into gender roles that privilege men, are the forces that control the sexual climate. Porn is just a barometer.
Is there anything else you want to say?
If we are serious about protecting women and children from gender violence, we will need to change the way we socialise our genders. Angela Saini, in the Patriarchs: How men came to rule, shows us that we can change these social scripts, and they are changing all the time. We just need to be able to clearly see the damage done to women by every slut-shaming incident, and understand that we all have a role to play in removing stigma. If we understand a slut to be a sexually empowered woman (regardless of her behaviour) then we can encourage everyone to be sluts for the benefit of all. When women are not divided, we are all #Slut(s)Too.
Ginger Gorman is a fearless and multi award-winning social justice journalist and feminist. Ginger’s bestselling book, Troll Hunting,came out in 2019. Since then, she’s been in demand both nationally and globally as an expert on cyberhate and the real-life harm predator trolling can do. She's also the editor of BroadAgenda and gender editor at HerCanberra. Ginger hosts the popular "Seriously Social" podcast for the Academy of the Social Sciences in Australia. Follow her on Twitter.
